April 20, 2014

Hoppy Easter :)

Last years Bunny Sam. :) 
Before cramming it into the buckets. 

Happy Easter Everyone!

I'm a total fail blogger.

Don't even care. I've been spending time with my kiddos and taking time for myself. :) Hope everyone is having an amazing Spring!

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February 10, 2014

My Confession... I suffer from Post Partum

The last year of my life was a whirlwind for a lot of reasons but the hardest part of the year was dealing with Postpartum Depression (PPD).

Depression is not a new thing for me throughout my life it has been a constant companion of mine. When I was pregnant with Lucas PPD was a great concern of mine because I am already so familiar with depression. The labor and delivery were not ideal, I was scared because he was my first baby and I didn't know what to expect. I was truly blessed when I did not end up with postpartum depression.

I was not so lucky the second time around.

The first two months of Sam's life were great. I was  happy. Elated. Intoxicated with love.

I knew the baby blues were coming I had them with Lucas between the lack of sleep, constant breastfeeding, and hormonal changes happening some crying was definitely in my future.

Around two months postpartum things got really rough for me. I was in this never ending funk. My heart ached for no reason, I cried for no reason, and my brain betrayed me. This was supposed to be happy times for me. I have two beautiful kids... kids I never thought I would have and here I am in absolute despair.

For a few weeks I just suffered silently mainly in denial that this was happening to me, which is a vicious cycle and completely unhelpful.

Then I broke the silence and reached out.

I am not someone that reaches out about depression. I'm very careful about what I say and to whom. Yet here I was desperate for someone to talk to. Someone to break me out of the despair that surrounded me.

There is such a huge stigma surrounding mental illness and there shouldn't be.

When someone breaks a bone or gets the flu we all empathize because most of us have experienced some sort of physical problem. Why is it such a stretch to think that the brain, the most complex organ in our bodies, can't break? What makes them so  immune?

Mental illness is seen with such disgust. It's why so many of us suffer in absolute silence. Our brains have betrayed us and when we reach out for help we get shunned away with answers like:

"Snap out of it."

"You are weak get over it."

"Think of all the people who have it worse than you."

"It's all in your head."

YES exactly! It IS in my head this is the problem! There is no escape, I'm trapped with these thoughts, the guilt, the sadness and I'm terrified to talk about it in fear of being labeled weak among other things.

I'm not weak. In fact now I know how strong I am because I survived postpartum depression. It is some of the most debilitating depression I've ever experienced and I'm on the other side of it. I'm here battered and bruised but I'm standing.

It's funny looking back and seeing  how many times I tried to reach out and it fell on deaf ears. I'm saddened by it and hope to open even one persons eyes by writing this. It's a big deal for me because I'm so private with these thoughts and feelings. I found refuge in so many different places that it really is heartwarming to think about.

For those of you that reached out to me in my time of need from the bottom of my soul Thank You. Thank you for listening. Thank you for cracking jokes. Thank you for bringing light to my darkest days.

Thank you for showing me how strong I really am.

I'll end this with if any of you out there are suffering silently please don't be afraid to reach out like I was. If any of you need to talk I'm here and ready to listen. You are not alone. You are strong and you are loved and it's okay to feel the way you do. It's normal for some of us.

I'll leave these two links below don't hesitate to use them.

You can go to Postpartum Support International's site for local resources.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

I may post more about this in the future hoping to normalize talking about it since there is such a stigma around it.

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Have you suffered from postpartum depression? What helped you get through it? 

February 03, 2014


My little Sam is walking now.

It's cute.

He toddles.

In the  last few weeks he's been taking a few steps here and there and now he's walking more than crawling.

Time is flying by I'm not ready. 

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January 26, 2014

National Kawasaki Disease Awareness Day

Today is the 4th annual National Kawasaki Disease Awareness Day.

My oldest son Lucas is a Kawasaki Disease Survivor. He was sick for 22 days before he was diagnosed with Kawasaki Disease and then spent his 5th birthday in the hospital getting treatment.

Thankfully he is doing well 5 months later. But there are some children who aren't as lucky. Kawasaki Disease is really hard to diagnose and we need to get together and do something about it.

Visit the Kawasaki Disease Foundation website to learn more about this disease.

You can read our journey with this disease by visiting the Kawasaki Disease Tag.

Read about this disease and know the signs. As parents we have an obligation to question our doctor if our kids aren't better in a few days. Time is of the essence with Kawasaki Disease it's one of the leading causes of childhood heart disease.

Lucas didn't show all the symptoms at the same time. He had many doctor's visits and two ER visits all misdiagnosed for another virus. One of the doctor's at our first visit had mentioned Kawasaki Disease but he never thought he had it, because he didn't show all the signs at once. We should have pushed for a heart echo.

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January 20, 2014

Head cold from Hades

Tom had mentioned to me in passing that everyone at his job had been sick. I have watched on Facebook as my friends have fallen one by one from the flu or this horrible sinus funk that's going around. 

I knew it was coming. Lucas went back to school the day after Sam's birthday and all parents know how disgusting children can be. Especially when parents send their still sick kids to school the instant they kind of feel better. 

I'm not that type of parent. Sorry if they are sick the last place I want them is at school potentially picking up something else. 

So Lucas complained his ear was hurting and ran 103 fever. 

We had Kawasaki flashbacks. 

Luckily it was just his ear and a runny nose. 

Well I thought we weren't going to catch it because yanno a runny nose isn't so bad and I wash my hands a lot. 

Oh no. 

I was kidding myself. 

I caught this crud and it is the worst cold I've ever had in my life. I'm on day five of this and it shows no signs of letting up. I'm still utterly miserable and I rarely feel terrible for more than a day or two. Usually it's just symptoms slowing me down but I have felt pretty bad and this cold is not behaving like they usually do. 

Well Tom caught it Saturday night and last night ran a fever. It's insane. 

Sam will be next. 

What's funny Lucas only felt bad for two days and then he was back to crazy town. I'm hoping Sam reacts the same way because I don't wish this upon anyone. 

It's been rough. 

We have been transitioning Sam to his crib during the day and it's been a decent battle. Well not today he skipped that morning nap altogether. I'm hoping for a longer and earlier nap this afternoon. 

But I doubt he will. Lol. 

So that's been our lives last week. It has not been fun and we are probably only halfway through it. 

January 13, 2014

Sam is One

My sweet Sam is one years old.

I feel like it was just yesterday getting that shock at the doctor when she told me I was pregnant.

This time has flown by and I'm still in great disbelief that I have two kids. It's been a journey for me as a parent, wife, and woman. I have ridden a roller coaster the last year but those free falls were worth climbing those hills.

My Sam is 23lbs and 31 inches. 
He was 10lbs 1oz and 22 inches at birth.


  • has eight teeth.
  • is crawling on all fours
  • standing up independently
  • cruising
  • starting to take steps
  • babbles dada and refuses to say mama (it's killing me) and then speaks German in between.
  • eats anything we put in front of him... almost he was not a fan of cake.

His favorite foods are:

  • Bananas
  • Applesauce
  • Rice
  • Toast
  • Chex
  • Pasta
  • Potatoes in any form
  • Chicken
  • Muffins
  • Cinnamon Rolls (Yes bad mom but they are home made? and we don't have them often hah)

We are still nursing and I will continue to do so until I feel it no longer benefits either of us. I nursed Lucas for a little over 2 years.

He's getting up twice at night once right before I go to bed and once right before we wake up. I honestly believe he's up mainly because his diapers are really damp. We are still room sharing which I'm hoping to change over the next few months. Sam is such a light sleeper that I think he's not getting the deep sleep he needs once we go to bed.

He still takes two naps a day. One 30-45 minute name in the morning and one 1-1.5 hour nap in the afternoon. His bedtime is shortly after Lucas' 7pm time. He shockingly sleeps more than Lucas did at this stage. I can't wait for him to cut a nap so I can move his nap time up an hour or so.

We are still cloth diapering and I must say to anyone on the fence it has been a wonderful experience. This comes from someone who hates laundry more than anything.

I never would have thought we'd have another baby and having Sam has been a blessing. The moment I held him in my arms I was flooded with love for both of my kids. It's like he amplified the love I had for Lucas before and it was overwhelming. I think because I  wasn't nearly as terrified with Sam as I was with Lucas it allowed me to feel it and it was intoxicating.

I look forward to the years to come. The laughter, he has an infectious belly laugh and is extremely ticklish.

He is my little Monster. I love him so much.

Happy Birthday.

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