I stood in the shower letting the hot water wash over my realizing this would be one of the last calming showers I'd get to take for a long time.
A shower that I could stand there and allow myself to get carried away in my thoughts. Where I'm not rushing to get out. Where I'm not peaking on the other side of the curtain to see a baby tucked safely in a rocker.
I stood and took in the last bits of peace I'd have as the mother of one.
I know that this baby will be different. Tom was on a completely different schedule when Lucas was born. He will be home during the day and gone in the evenings this go round. This shower won't be my last peaceful shower so to speak.
But I'm also in mourning.
I'm mourning the sleep.
I'm mourning the peace and quiet.
I'm mourning the calmed nerves.
With new babies old worries come rushing back. Worries I haven't had to think about in some time. Like SIDs, allergies, and illnesses. Mainly because I'm scared. I'm not sure if it'll be the same this go around because I've never had two kids before.
I won't sleep peacefully for a long time. I'll wake every time he moves. I'll be scared to close my eyes.
And then there are a whole bunch of new things I'm worried about.
How will I split my time from my oldest to my youngest?
Will Lucas be frustrated and jealous that I'm not able to do what he needs when he needs it?
How will he handle being a big brother?
Will he feel less loved?
I know I won't love him any less he will always know how much I love him because it's important to say it a lot. But will he feel it the same way? He will be sharing the spotlight now how will he handle it?
I am so excited to see this new little guy's face and hold him in my arms. Seeing Tom snuggle another one of our children and sit with Lucas while he holds his little brother. These are the things that make all of the above okay. Because I know that I'm not alone in my fears mother's everywhere feel the same as I do.
This is my family and we are growing. :)
We can do this.